Wedded Wednesday:Hope After Divorce

I have been waiting all week to share this post with you!  I had asked my sister-in-law, Tiffany, to write for Wedded Wednesday months ago.  It just wasn't time yet!  The Lord opened the door for some extra time in her schedule recently and laid it on her heart to share her testimony of God's Redeeming and Sufficient grace as she walked through a divorce.  She is one of my very closest friends and has been an indescribable blessing in my life since she married my brother-in-law, Shannon Keith, 10 years ago.

We all know someone who has or is going through divorce.  I have often wondered about the best way to minister to these brothers and sisters-in-Christ.  This gave me great insight to what might be encouraging at such a hard time!  

Shannon Keith and Tiffany Kilpatrick

 

In 1993, I was married.  In 1996, I gave birth to my first treasure, Ethan.  In 1998, I was blessed with my second precious son, Tye.  In 2001, my marriage died.  It had been sick for a while and had even entered a type of hospice situation, but still we weren’t prepared.  In October of 2001 it died and February 13^th 2002 (my grandmother’s birthday) it took its final agonizing breath in court.  As we left the courtroom that day my ex-husband and I cried…together.  It felt just like a funeral and we were both broken and grieving.

If you have been through a divorce or are in the middle of one, you understand what I mean like no one else can.  When we get married a new life is birthed.  Marriage is oneness.  Marriage is a new entity that wasn’t and now it is.  It’s living and breathing, and it’s ordained and blessed by God.  When it ends there is a tearing away.  God said, “the two shall become one”.  When the “one” becomes two again the pain is indescribable.

Whether the marriage fails because of you or because of him or because of both of you is really beside the point, where the pain is concerned.   In Malachi 2:16 it says, “For the LORD God of Israel says that He hates divorce”.   He hates it because it goes against His plan (therefore it’s sin), but He also hates it because it causes His children pain.  Anytime we step out of His plan and the order that He established we are going to experience pain.  If you are a Christian who is going through a divorce, then I am preaching to the choir!  The one thing I really seemed to “get” and internalize when I was in the midst of my divorce was that I had sinned, I had messed up royally!  I had let my family down; I had brought shame on my parents and grandparents.  I had hurt my babies who I had actually said to, “you won’t ever have to worry about mama and daddy not being together with you and each other”.   Ow!

Here are the things I had trouble grasping while I was in the midst of my storm:

*God still loves me and He is faithful.

I will never leave you nor forsake you. Joshua 1:5 NKJV

1 He who dwells in the secret place of the Most High Shall abide under the shadow of the Almighty. 2 I will say of the LORD, "He is my refuge and my fortress; My God, in Him I will trust." 3 Surely He shall deliver you from the snare of the fowler and from the perilous pestilence. 4 He shall cover you with His feathers, and under His wings you shall take refuge; His truth shall be your shield and buckler. 5 You shall not be afraid of the terror by night, nor of the arrow that flies by day, 6 Nor of the pestilence that walks in darkness, Nor of the destruction that lays waste at noonday. 7 A thousand may fall at your side, and ten thousand at your right hand; but it shall not come near you. 8 Only with your eyes shall you look, and see the reward of the wicked. 9 Because you have made the LORD, who is my refuge, Even the Most High, your dwelling place, 10 No evil shall befall you, Nor shall any plague come near your dwelling; 11 For He shall give His angels charge over you, To keep you in all your ways. 12 In their hands they shall bear you up, lest you dash your foot against a stone. 13 You shall tread upon the lion and the cobra, the young lion and the serpent you shall trample underfoot. 14 "Because he has set his love upon Me, therefore I will deliver him; I will set him on high, because he has known My name. 15 He shall call upon Me, and I will answer him; I will be with him in trouble; I will deliver him and honor him. 16 With long life I will satisfy him, and show him My salvation." Psalm 91:1-16 NKJV

*I can’t do anything to undo His promises to me or make Him stop loving me.

37 Yet in all these things we are more than conquerors through Him who loved us. 38 For I am persuaded that neither death nor life, nor angels nor principalities nor powers, nor things present nor things to come, 39 nor height nor depth, nor any other created thing, shall be able to separate us from the love of God which is in Christ Jesus our Lord.  Romans 8:37-39 NKJV

*I am beautiful and valuable, competent and precious in the eyes of the Creator of the Universe.

17 The LORD your God in your midst, The Mighty One, will save; He will rejoice over you with gladness, He will quiet you with His love, He will rejoice over you with singing." Zephaniah 3:17 NKJV

”…For the Lord delights in you.” Isaiah 62:4

 “…So shall your God rejoice over you.” Isaiah 62:5

*His promises are true.

9 "Have I not commanded you? Be strong and of good courage; do not be afraid, nor be dismayed, for the LORD your God is with you wherever you go."  Joshua 1:9 NKJV

11 For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Jeremiah 29:11 NIV

When my marriage ended I was so sad and so ashamed I pulled away from my parents and grandparents who loved me dearly.  I pulled away from my church.  I pulled away from God and went my own way for a time.  I did exactly the wrong thing!  I was miserable, and I made the people around me who were already hurting for me even more miserable because they could not reach me or help me.  I just wanted to be alone. Please hear me when I say that was not the thing to do.  It increased my suffering and the duration of it and it delayed my healing.  I was no good for me and I was no good for my two boys who were depending on me.

I tried to work everything out myself.  I had a few new friends and after a while I even had a boyfriend who seemed like a pretty good match. (He wasn’t, but in my loneliness and thinking that was warped by hurt, he seemed to fit.)

 

My healing did not begin until the day I cried out to God and told Him all about it.  He had been waiting on me.  After all, I am His precious child.  I told Him how hurt and ashamed I was. I told Him I felt like a huge, stupid failure.  I also told Him that I was ready to get my hands out of the mess I was in and let Him have it.  And about the boyfriend, I told the Lord that I was ready to be alone if that’s what He had planned for me.  I needed to get to a place where my security and stability were based on my relationship with the Most High. (In Jeremiah 3:14 God says,” Return, faithless people,” declares the LORD, “for I am your husband. I will choose you …”) I was not going to try to make any more human relationships work.  It was all up to Him.

Things started to change immediately.  The next week I got a call from an old friend.  A man I had known since 1^st grade. He had also just gone through a divorce.  He too was lonely and miserable.  What a coincidence (just kidding, this was divine providence) that he had a son the same age as Ethan and I just happened to be the team mom for the baseball team they were both on!  We started talking and then we started dating and then we got married.  All I had to do was give it to the Lord.

I am not telling you that a new relationship or a new man is the answer to your situation. God is the answer to your situation.  Complete dependence on Him.  Once you get there and you truly give it to Him with no strings attached He will begin to work out His purposes in you.  Then and only then will you move on to the next step in His perfect plan for your imperfect life.  Trust me, it will be perfect whether it involves a new spouse or not.  He knows what you need; you are His creation.

1 …You have searched me, LORD, and you know me. 2 You know when I sit and when I rise; you perceive my thoughts from afar. 3 You discern my going out and my lying down; you are familiar with all my ways. 4 Before a word is on my tongue you, LORD, know it completely. 5 You hem me in behind and before, and you lay your hand upon me. 6 Such knowledge is too wonderful for me, too lofty for me to attain. 7 Where can I go from your Spirit? Where can I flee from your presence? 8 If I go up to the heavens, you are there; if I make my bed in the depths, you are there. 9 If I rise on the wings of the dawn, if I settle on the far side of the sea, 10 even there your hand will guide me, your right hand will hold me fast. 11 If I say, "Surely the darkness will hide me and the light become night around me," 12 even the darkness will not be dark to you; the night will shine like the day, for darkness is as light to you. 13 For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb. 14 I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. 15 My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place, when I was woven together in the depths of the earth. 16 Your eyes saw my unformed body; all the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be. Psalm 139:1-16 NIV]

God has blessed me so abundantly.  I feel as if I was made for my husband and he was made for me.  I am finally in the marriage I dreamed of as a little girl, white knight and all. I used to hesitate to say that.  We’ve both been divorced and now this is a second marriage, how can this be God’s plan for me?  Here’s the deal: I messed up and the plan got off track, but remember God’s faithfulness is not like ours.  His promises, His righteousness, His integrity is not based on circumstances or anything we can do. He is steadfast and He does not change.  HE promised me a “hope and a future”.  He said “He had plans to prosper me”.  And He will, and He did, and He does.